Ideal.

My ideal life would be something that isn't spectacular. Something that just clicks and feels right.

I've been thinking about the future a lot lately, and what may come of it. Honestly, during these sporadic down-times I go through, I can't help but think of "the future".

I was always interested with music, and possibly having a career in music. Once upon a time, I loved it. It made me feel happy at a certain point. When shit had hit the fan, and things were getting a shit-ton better, I felt comfortable where I was at.

But now as I'm getting older and maybe a bit wiser, I realize the things that I don't like about being involved in music. I don't like to be part of a culture that isn't even the least bit interested in what I have to say, well, in what WE have to say.

Second, I've been pretty miserable for the passed 6-7 months. The feeling has been constant.

And it's hard for me to enjoy anything if I'm unhappy. I might as well lock myself in a room and ignore everything around me. That's kinda nice in a depressing sense. I think I've mastered that art.

I start to think about everything in my life, things that aren't in my life. I try to put things into perspective with no such luck.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that lately, making music with my three good friends is making me unhappy as well. I guess it's due to the fact that when I formed the band, it was during a time when I felt complete.

But once a bunch of things get taken away from you, you tend to question everything. Your worth, your well-being.

I feel like I'm dragging the others down with my mood. The rush is nice for those two hours of practice, but just like any other rush. It fades rapidly.

It's kinda like video games. It's a cheap thrill until you beat it and you find yourself with nothing else to do.

At times I just want to tell the guys how I'm feeling all around, but I'm afraid of the consequences, or karma that might come with that territory. I want to take a looooong break from making music. I would like to get my life together, get my other half back, finish school, and look for new job opportunities (a job that I actually enjoy.) And then work at it from there.

If I decide to leave my band, I would want them to continue without me. If they stop because of me, then they're foolish.

I just feel like I'm this huge weight constantly bringing them down. I haven't played with these guys in three or four weeks. I just don't have that spark, that muse. And I can only write sooo much about how I feel to the point where to me, the content gets mundane.

I start thinking about my "ideal" life.

And it's pretty much my "version" of the "american dream".

I think after having gone through so much bullshit during these last four years, I think 2008 was definitely one of my most cherished times in life, and I would love to have felt that way, to experience all of those amazing times everyday.

So my dream would be something like this:

To own a business with my best friend/other half/ex/ whatever. This business is something we always talked about, and I loved her idea.

Her and I would own this venue around where we live. It would be a hookah spot/ lounge/ diner/ performing arts place. She wanted to call it makeshift, but I'm not gonna fuck with naming places, cuz I suck at naming anything.

The place was going to be one of our main sources of income. To provide our community with tons of hookah, food, couches, and good ass music. we would also set up floor shows for local/ up and coming bands/ artists for anyone who was interested.

My second source of income would come from my own record store. And I would sell only the finest shit.

I love my music, but I'd rather be in the sidelines, because in all honesty, I'm probably really bad at what I do, and I would rather leave the music making to the real "artists", I would much rather provide people with something than to create something.

My ideal life would be something low-key, and something that just takes my comfort zone to unreachable heights.

I would love to own a venue/hookah spot. I would love to own a record store. I'd do that, live with my girl, take care of my family and whatnot, while making decent to good money, doing something that I know I can do.

If you're a musician with second thoughts, then you shouldn't do music. Period.

But if you still love it. Do something professional, but grassroots, and work in the sidelines. You're still involved, you'll make some money, but you won't be as pressured, and you won't run out of ideas and/or get writer's block from writing a shit-ton of songs and lyrics.

All I want my life to be is this: to live in either hoboken, or in the west village section in nyc, with my girl/other half/ ex, help her write lyrics to her songs, work at our hookah spot, listen to music all day with her and watch movies, and always go out in the middle of the night because we can. And on top of that, bust my ass to make myself and her happy, while preventing myself from making any more mistakes.

That would be perfect.

I know I'm a total fuck up. I think a lot of us men are total fuck-ups, unless you have a girl with incredibly low self-esteem, to the point where she hangs on your every word, and is the ultimate push-over, then you got nothing to worry about, and you're lucky.

I know I mess up, I know I've done some wrong here and there, but I try to be a good person.

Blahblahblahblahwhothefuckcares. G'night.

Homework beckons.

I tried. I tried reading this art history II book. I just can't, and I have a group presentation tomorrow about an entire chapter.

I'm probably gonna play it by ear, and try to wing it. I don't see why this presentation is so important, considering our midterm (which I amazingly aced.) Two final papers and a final exam is more than enough.

Instead of hitting the books, I slept pretty much most of the day because I've been up these passed couple of nights til' around, 5am.

Hopefully I get a D on this stupid presentation. I don't even know if we'll even get around to finish it, since we have final exams and papers to talk about, and there's another presentation after ours. To do all of that in 2 hours and 45 minutes is gonna be a stretch.

best of 09 lists:

this will be divided into two parts, one will go to music, and one will go to video games.

PLEASE, IF YOU LIKE WHAT YOU HEAR, BUY THE BAND'S ALBUM!! ARTISTS NEED TO EAT TOO!!

BEST OF '09 MUSIC EDITION:

i must admit, a lot of good shit came out this year in terms of music, especially punk and hardcore. in this list i will list my top 10 picks and why they're so good.

10.) the number twelve looks like you - worse than alone

this record took me awhile to get into. at first i thought it was okay, hell, even before that, i hated the single "glory kingdom", but it grew on me after awhile. as for the rest of the album, i think the song "the garden's all nighters" really sums up just how versatile this band can be without getting pretentious. there are also a ton of really catchy riffs placed throughout the album. justin pedrick and jesse korman aren't the greatest clean singers, but at least it shows there willingness to think outside the screaming spectrum once and a while. instrumentally, this album is solid, while this record is their most straightforward album (coming from a person that's followed them since the "put on your rosey red glasses ep".) it's still technical in it's own right. there's a lot of jazzy breaks too, more than in any album they've ever put out. i thought the album "mongrel" was a perfect disc, but clearly "worse than alone" decimates said record just by how versatile the band has gotten. the song writing is more cohesive, and even when things get a little simple, they'll come out with something totally different with every song.

check it out.



http://isohunt.com/torrent_details/69473369/the+number+twelve+looks+like+you?tab=summary

9.) The Chariot - Wars and Rumors of Wars

if you're into messy, technical hardcore, you've definitely heard of this band. it's the band's third full length, and they've taken a u-turn from their metalcore sound, and created a sludgy, technical punk record. every song has atmosphere, regardless of how short most of the tracks are, they still manage to get their points across with every song. the lyrics depict a personal war that we fight within ourselves everyday, and for a christian band to touch on personal subject matter without getting super preachy and up it's own ass deserves the accolades. the musicianship is sloppy (the good kind.), sludgy, loud and underproduced. and in pure D.I.Y. spirit, the band hand stamped 2,500 copies of the record. the entire layout.

and if you ever catch these guys live, get ready for hell on stage, because these guys like to destroy pretty much everything, including themselves.





http://isohunt.com/torrent_details/133749593/the+chariot?tab=summary


8.) Furnace - Doublewalker

this record rules. and i've been waiting for this record to come out for quite awhile. it was finally released earlier this year without my knowledge of it ever being released. so to me, this was definitely a pleasant surprise. the record is a blistering collection of sludgy, technical hardcore. ton's of speed, ton's of odd time shifts, and blast beats galore. the vocals are often shouted in chants within the group, and honestly, i wouldn't have asked for a better, solid debut full-length from the band.



http://www.breakd0wn.info/ (scroll down for the album)

7.) Comadre - A Wolf's Ticket

this is a great ep. anthemic, pure, raw screamo in all it's honesty. ton's of catchy riffs all over this record. and the vocals are much better than anything they've put out in the past.



http://www.breakd0wn.info/ (right under furnace - doublewalker)

6.) Graf Orlock - Destination Time Today

the third and final entry in Graf's "Destination" series of albums. this is technically the band's second full length, and even with a new vocalist (album actually has two vocalists.) the band shows no signs of slowing down, and fans of essential power-violence bands such as charles bronson will feel a sense of nostalgia since the record is littered with movie samples from action movies. it's also a heavy as fuck album, and an unrelenting one at that.



http://www.mediafire.com/?ojgmmzymqdm


5.) Narrows - New Distances

Deathwish Inc. never disappoints when it comes to releases, they have quite the solid track record, so when you mix ex-members from botch, plot to blow up the Eiffel tower and some girls in the mix, you get a band that sounds like botch if they were still together to this day. it's only nine tracks, but that's all the band needs to rip your fucking face off. that classic dave verellen growl is alive in well, as if he never truly let go of his days in Botch, the angular dissonance of the riffs are as refreshing as ever. this band is out to make hardcore a more sophisticated art form, and they pull it off flawlessly.



www.bunalti.com/?p=48392

4.) Paint It Black - Amnesia / Surrender

this band is awesome, and you should listen to these EPs. The tracks Bliss and Worms are probably the best songs PIB has ever written. This is essential if you're a fan of punk/hardcore.



http://rapidshare.com/files/244931720/Paint_It_Black_-_Amnesia_EP__2009__by_SKY.rar (amnesia)

http://rapidshare.com/files/268747546/Paint_It_Black_-_Surrender_EP__2009__by_SKY.rar
(surrender)


3.) Coalesce - OX

first album in 10 years after their break-up. this record continues where revolutions in just listening left off. this band still has the ability to fuck you up and leave you saying afterwards "what the fuck was that?"

this band retains their technical hardcore ability and seamlessly blends it with more bluesy / groove influences as well as a few instrumental pieces that flawlessly put this album together. this was definitely the biggest comeback of this year bar none. and for a band that's broken up more times than bad brains, they sound like they never missed a beat. seriously, this album doesn't fuck around.



http://hotfile.com/dl/4415752/b96f86b/Coalesce-OX-2009-hXc.rar

2.) Maths - Descent

a british screamo band, and a damn good one. i kinda dug their split with throats, as well as the collection of demo's and eps they put out, but none of them can top descent, their first proper full length. emotional, powerful, technical, insanely catchy and memorable riffs, and well structured songs make this album a truly noteworthy standout. i haven't been able to put this record down ever since i got a hold of it, well, that and another record.



http://www.mediafire.com/?mzzju5nmzjy

1.) Converge - Axe To Fall

and this is that other record. a band that knows no boundaries, and only thrives on pushing those boundaries to the next possible level. this band is truly unfuckwithable when it comes to extreme music, mixing elements of hardcore, metal, grind, d-beat, and progressive influences. Axe To Fall may very well be their most accessible record to date, but it doesn't mean that it's not a memorable record. most of the songs on this album bleed technicality, harsh / brutal soundscapes, and straight up eerie sounding hardcore punk. this record exceeds no heroes in every possible way, not to say that it was a bad record, it was an excellent record, if anything,Axe to Fall is an extension of You Fail Me, opting to create an album with a more collaborative effort than their previous works.

this is the best album of '09 for sure. and after nearly 20 years of being a band and seven full lengths later, converge really is incapable of doing any wrong.



http://isohunt.com/torrent_details/143886505/converge?tab=summary

that's my list, enjoy the music, and if you like it, buy their albums.

nintendo wii: 4-18-08 - 12-6-09. you will not be missed.

so i owned a nintendo wii for over a year and a half. the final straw came when i noticed there were no games at all coming out for the system, so i decided to trade it in at a local gamestop for some mega, huge store credit.

i kinda felt led to do it, i felt that someone else might need it more than me, and that someone else may find more enjoyment in it than i ever will. not to say that i didn't have good times with it, though those times were scarce at best. i figured that maybe some kid whose parents don't have enough money to buy a brand new wii could by my old one for half the price, thus making their kid(s) x-mas worthwhile.

the wii purchase was an impulsed one. once tatsunoko vs. capcom was announced for the system, i said to myself "holy shit, a wii-exclusive?? i gotta buy this system cuz i want that damn game." i was pretty vocal about me wanting the system. smash bros. brawl had just came out, and i've been wanting to play mario galaxy for the longest, considering the rave review it got. i was pretty much sold on the system.

after getting a ton of cash from a refund check, i was on a mission to buy it. sadly, i had a large phone bill to pay (this was before the better phone plan i have now.) and most of the funds from my refund check went to the bill.

my brother and i decided to split the costs, and a few weeks prior to the actual purchase, three of my friends chipped in (to my surprise) to buy me two wii games. (brawl and mario galaxy.) once i started up the system it was nothing but those two games nonstop, until they were beaten and i had nothing else to play.

i went out to gamestop by my former job frequently, checking to see if there were any good preplayed titles that were worth looking at.

i bought no more heroes, and i had a fair amount of fun with it. the open world segments were severely lacking, but the action, the concept, and crazy story/ characters had me playing the game. i bought the second nights game because i loved the first nights. luckily it played just like the first game, albeit more colorful, and less grainy, but it still wasn't a looker when compared to zelda or mario galaxy. the game's boss battles were really great, and the bosses themselves looked pretty astonishing.

i got a hold of sonic and the secret rings, and i actually had some fun with it, but i disliked the storybook setting and the forced running mechanic, even though it did work, sometimes it didn't. in late 2008, i bought copies of skate it and sonic unleashed. skate it had great motion controls but the visuals were disgusting, and the locales were claustrophobic when compared to it's ps3/xbox 360 counterparts. sonic unleashed was fun, aside from the werehog levels. the high speed levels reminded me of sonic rush. overall, it was a fun game. nothing super spectacular, and not as fun as it's ps3/xbox 360 versions.

by december, i snagged a copy of tatsunoko vs. capcom, and i pretty much geeked out over it. i loved the fact that it was bringing back that classic MvC style back in 2008, and it was also a neat break from super turbo hd remix.

in early 2009, the last two games for my wii were mad world and dead rising : chop til' you drop. mad world was one hell of a game, in all of it's stylistic bloody, gory, glory i'm surprised this title didn't catch on.

dead rising made use of the resident evil 4 engine, though it didn't look particularly great and it's entire game structure was sloppy it was nothing compared to it's 360 version.

overall my experiences with the wii were pretty good, though, not as good as my 360. after the novelty of the wii wore off, after brawls flare, and TvC's craziness/ appeal dissipated, i grew tired of the system.

i boxed it and it stayed in my closet for about a month.

then i proceeded to sell it.

i kinda came to the realization that, out of 100 new wii games that come out, only less than 3 of them turn out to be truly great, which justifies why my library of wii games was incredibly small.

overall i wasn't meant to have the system. it's a casual's system with casual appeal, nothing for a gamer like myself to really, fully embrace.

and it sucked a load of ass for fighting games. seriously, all wii has is TvC, KoF Orochi Saga (and who cares about THOSE games..) and the naruto clash of ninja games. (which haven't done anything new since 2004.)

i was having way more fun with my PS2 for christ's sake. and my interest in the 360 didn't really peak til' last winter.

the bottom line is:

if you have kids, or younger siblings, i guess the wii is the way to go. but if you're a GAMER, steer clear from this system and save yourself the 200.00 bucks.

new plastic smell.

this used to be a blogging spot for my band, but since we're dormant for the unforeseeable future, i decided to bring this blog back from the dead and instead of rambling about a band that will probably go nowhere due to the current state that music is under, i'll talk about all kinds of crap.

here, i'll talk about things that interest me the most like music, video games (specifically fighting games), school, life and all of it's nuances, and i'll probably even rant about how shitty my previous job was.


until then, i'm not the most tech savvy person around, so this place will probably change in appearance (for better or for worse) and i'll probably post frequently because i have a shit ton of free time as of late, and i haven't really been in front of a PC this long in nearly two years, so i gotta make the most of this thing.

until then here's something to keep you entertained: