Ideal.

My ideal life would be something that isn't spectacular. Something that just clicks and feels right.

I've been thinking about the future a lot lately, and what may come of it. Honestly, during these sporadic down-times I go through, I can't help but think of "the future".

I was always interested with music, and possibly having a career in music. Once upon a time, I loved it. It made me feel happy at a certain point. When shit had hit the fan, and things were getting a shit-ton better, I felt comfortable where I was at.

But now as I'm getting older and maybe a bit wiser, I realize the things that I don't like about being involved in music. I don't like to be part of a culture that isn't even the least bit interested in what I have to say, well, in what WE have to say.

Second, I've been pretty miserable for the passed 6-7 months. The feeling has been constant.

And it's hard for me to enjoy anything if I'm unhappy. I might as well lock myself in a room and ignore everything around me. That's kinda nice in a depressing sense. I think I've mastered that art.

I start to think about everything in my life, things that aren't in my life. I try to put things into perspective with no such luck.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that lately, making music with my three good friends is making me unhappy as well. I guess it's due to the fact that when I formed the band, it was during a time when I felt complete.

But once a bunch of things get taken away from you, you tend to question everything. Your worth, your well-being.

I feel like I'm dragging the others down with my mood. The rush is nice for those two hours of practice, but just like any other rush. It fades rapidly.

It's kinda like video games. It's a cheap thrill until you beat it and you find yourself with nothing else to do.

At times I just want to tell the guys how I'm feeling all around, but I'm afraid of the consequences, or karma that might come with that territory. I want to take a looooong break from making music. I would like to get my life together, get my other half back, finish school, and look for new job opportunities (a job that I actually enjoy.) And then work at it from there.

If I decide to leave my band, I would want them to continue without me. If they stop because of me, then they're foolish.

I just feel like I'm this huge weight constantly bringing them down. I haven't played with these guys in three or four weeks. I just don't have that spark, that muse. And I can only write sooo much about how I feel to the point where to me, the content gets mundane.

I start thinking about my "ideal" life.

And it's pretty much my "version" of the "american dream".

I think after having gone through so much bullshit during these last four years, I think 2008 was definitely one of my most cherished times in life, and I would love to have felt that way, to experience all of those amazing times everyday.

So my dream would be something like this:

To own a business with my best friend/other half/ex/ whatever. This business is something we always talked about, and I loved her idea.

Her and I would own this venue around where we live. It would be a hookah spot/ lounge/ diner/ performing arts place. She wanted to call it makeshift, but I'm not gonna fuck with naming places, cuz I suck at naming anything.

The place was going to be one of our main sources of income. To provide our community with tons of hookah, food, couches, and good ass music. we would also set up floor shows for local/ up and coming bands/ artists for anyone who was interested.

My second source of income would come from my own record store. And I would sell only the finest shit.

I love my music, but I'd rather be in the sidelines, because in all honesty, I'm probably really bad at what I do, and I would rather leave the music making to the real "artists", I would much rather provide people with something than to create something.

My ideal life would be something low-key, and something that just takes my comfort zone to unreachable heights.

I would love to own a venue/hookah spot. I would love to own a record store. I'd do that, live with my girl, take care of my family and whatnot, while making decent to good money, doing something that I know I can do.

If you're a musician with second thoughts, then you shouldn't do music. Period.

But if you still love it. Do something professional, but grassroots, and work in the sidelines. You're still involved, you'll make some money, but you won't be as pressured, and you won't run out of ideas and/or get writer's block from writing a shit-ton of songs and lyrics.

All I want my life to be is this: to live in either hoboken, or in the west village section in nyc, with my girl/other half/ ex, help her write lyrics to her songs, work at our hookah spot, listen to music all day with her and watch movies, and always go out in the middle of the night because we can. And on top of that, bust my ass to make myself and her happy, while preventing myself from making any more mistakes.

That would be perfect.

I know I'm a total fuck up. I think a lot of us men are total fuck-ups, unless you have a girl with incredibly low self-esteem, to the point where she hangs on your every word, and is the ultimate push-over, then you got nothing to worry about, and you're lucky.

I know I mess up, I know I've done some wrong here and there, but I try to be a good person.

Blahblahblahblahwhothefuckcares. G'night.